First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best, Last Sucks Too

Perhaps this happens at your office. There are cookies, candy or pieces of cake out by someone's desk for all to take for their munching enjoyment. Everyone looks over and sees the display and flashes a grin. They now have an excuse to eat unhealthy and have something better than their fat free soy chips. After all, it would be rude to not take any after that person specifically brought them in for all his/her coworkers to enjoy.

Buuuuuut not quite yet. Someone needs to open the container that they are in. Opening the container will cause a loud pop, crunch or other noise that will surely alert anyone in the vicinity that you are gorging on some fatty goodness. So they sit there for hours just awaiting someone to be the first. Ninja-like, when enough people seem to be away from their desks going to the bathroom or getting coffee, the first person strikes.

Now they are open, and it's a free-for-all. It's easy to walk by, grab one quickly and have no one notice. You can even do the infamous get up to have a conversation with someone that sits near the treats as an excuse to be by them and slyly swipe one (or dare I say two).

Throughout the day or days they continue to grow fewer in number. Finally there is one cookie left. One cookie! It is there for hours, nobody wanting to finish off the treat. Finally someone comes along and takes it...or did they? No, they took just half! They couldn't bear to be the one that finishes off the box. What would everyone think? So for another day this half cookie sits in the container, growing stale, and finally the person that brought them in just throws them out. Ooh look, someone brought in brownies today! The cookies become forgotten.

My Two Favorite Youtubes from 2009

Since we are at the close of the year, I thought I'd share the two Youtube videos that made me laugh the most this year (they may have been published earlier, but I only discovered them this year).

Waking Up Twice Is Never Easy

There's night people and there's annoying people (a.k.a "morning people). I am part of the former grouping. I tend not to be able to fall asleep until late at night and thus my body and brain want to sleep until later in the day. Therefore the alarm is a serious enemy of mine each morning. It forces me to awaken way earlier than nature intended. After the alarm goes off, it takes me 5-10 minutes just to get out of bed, and probably another 10-15 minutes for my brain to start functioning. If my fiance tells me to do something during that initial period, chances are I will forget.

Here's the routine. I normally wake up at 7 a.m., go through my awakening phase described above, and then proceed to shave, shower, iron, get dressed, pack lunch, and eat breakfast before leaving the apartment around 8:15-8:20 (yes, that's a long time...like I said I am really slow to awaken). I take a subway to the Port Authority Bus Terminal and usually catch my bus to New Jersey at 8:50, which gets me into work by 9:05.

This morning, my bus arrived a couple minutes late, and then we proceeded to sit in tons of traffic. I did not get into the office until almost 9:30 a.m. Somewhere between 9:05 and 9:10, after reading some email on my blackberry, I lost time. The next thing I knew, I heard the stop button ding on the bus and felt the bus braking to a stop in front of my place of work. I didn't have my 5-10 minutes to get out of my seat before exiting thus bus. I shot out of the bus, and somehow I ended up at my desk starting up my laptop and hanging up my coat. I don't remember much about 9:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. this morning, other than I did not enjoy myself. Waking up twice sucks! Note to self: if falling asleep on a commute, ave it for the way home, at least then I can lay down and not have to focus on anythign when I get home.

Meeting of the Minds

Men's and women's minds operate on completely different levels.  Going through a day we have two completely different experiences.  I think men have a general overview of their day while women can segment they day down to specific periods and details.  For example, when my mother used to come home from work every day, she would get upset if my dad did not ask how her day was.  Why he did not ask was probably because it would lead to a very detailed description including some things that we could not possibly understand (hospital jargon).  We wouldn’t have had time for my belching, my brother’s farting followed by laughter on my part and then my dad yelling, and some more of my dad’s terrible jokes.

Another example.  Several years back, my girlfriend came over and met my roommate’s girlfriend.  Later on she asked me where she worked and other details.  I realized that despite the fact that I had been living with my roommate for 6 months, I had no clue.  Literally, the only thing I knew was her name and how they met.  I never thought to ask for any further details.   Similarly when she asked me when my friend who got engaged was getting married…I realized I never asked for the date, and to be honest, I don’t think I would think to in the future.

Guys have mastered how to describe their day into as little words and syllables as possible.  Sometimes a simple "ehh" will suffice, or if we’re in a very talkative mood we might say "it was good."  If we’re very foolish, we might occasionally ask how your day was…but don’t expect that question right before 24 starts.

Funny Memories

I apologize for the long period of time between entries. I lost my grandfather this past Monday, which was completely unexpected. He had a clean bill of health and hadn't even hit 80 yet (he was 79). It just goes to show you that you should always make sure you say what you need to say to people sooner rather than later. In honor of my grandfather, I'd like to share a couple of brief humorous stories from his life.

My grandfather spent a brief period of time in the National Guard in his youth. It's for this reason that until the day he died he could not stand ham (he claimed they had ham with every meal). Besides eating ham, he once was assigned to be in the lead truck of a convoy. If you've never seen a convoy on a road, just imagine what seems like endless amounts of military vehicles right behind each other. My grandfather did not have the best sense of directions, and as it turned out, neither did the man in the truck with him. The entire convoy got lost! I wonder what the 3-point turn must have looked like.

My grandfather was once an executive at Sears and worked in the Sears Tower in Chicago. When you got your office there, they gave you a catalog of artwork to choose from to hang up. My grandfather had as much sense about art, as his colorblind grandson (me) now does. He randomly flipped through and picked a painting. Apparently he picked one of the best options out there. He told me that everyone that came into his office used to compliment him on his taste in art. Who knew?

Checkers was something that my grandfather was naturally gifted at. From the time I was old enough to play and until I was about 10 or 11 years old he never lost to me. In fact, he never lost to anyone. I think he was like the Deep Blue of checkers. One day, when I was 10 or 11, I found that by some miracle I had won. My initial reaction was "how?" Weeks later, my grandfather would tell me, it was at that moment he knew he had to go to the eye doctor to get his cataracts taken care of. I never beat him at checkers again.

Anyone that met my grandfather took a liking to him. It was amazing to see the turnout at his funeral and Shiva. He will be missed.

A Juicy Bit

The wonderful thing about the fall, besides all the pumpkin flavored everything (ice cream, pie, bread, coffee, etc.), is that every type of apple is available. If you can’t find the rarer types at a food store you can certainly find all the varieties at a farm stand or farmers’ market. It was such a large market in Westchester that my fiancé bought purchased a honeycrisp apple.

The honeycrisp left Stew Leonard’s, traveled briefly on the New York Thruway, then went onto various other highways and eventually ended up on the Henry Hudson Parkway traveling to Manhattan’s Upper West Side. The apple then traveled up a flight of stairs into an Upper West Side apartment refrigerator.

This morning, right before I left for work I grabbed my sandwich, a banana and some chips and put them into my bag. As I was about to leave, I thought about bringing an apple. I reached down into the bin in the fridge, and grabbed what appeared to be an enormous honeycrisp apple.

4:45pm
I leave a meeting with a co-worker and decide a snack is in order as I have my guitar lesson straight after work on Thursdays. I proceed to lay out a piece of paper towel and grab the apple. About halfway through the apple I notice that the paper towel beneath me is completely soaked…I mean soaked as in someone poured a pitcher of water on it. I have juice dripping down my hand. I take a napkin and wipe my hand. One bite later I am drenched again. I figure, I might as well just finish the apple and then deal with my hands so as not to waste anymore napkins. I lift the apple up to my mouth and as I bite I feel dripping down my hand, down my wrist almost all the way to my elbow beneath my shirt. To finish the apple, I lowered my head so as to not have to raise my arm up.

4:55pm
A sticky mess. I run to the bathroom and proceed to wet my hands and wash them. Then I roll up my sleeve on the left forearm and wet it (forearm). I rub some of the hand soap on and put my forearm beneath the sink. We have one of those sensor sinks at work and with my forearm underneath instead of my hands, the sink does not turn on.

4:56:30pm
I decide that I must put my right hand in front of the sensor while maneuvering my forearm awkwardly to be under the faucet. The plan sort of works and most of the soap comes off (some may still be on me).

5:01pm
I decide that jumbo honeycrisp apples may not be the way to go on future snacks.

5:02pm
I put my arm down on the sticky part of my desk that was beneath the paper towel.

5:03pm
I clean off my desk and smirk

5:14pm
I realize this might be a suitable blog entry.

The Autistic Bird

Well this story comes to you from my freshman year of college, way back in 1999. Yes, it is a tale from last century. I had just come out of some fine dining for lunch with some of the people from my floor. I was walking back to my dorm babbling away about something stupid I am sure, when as I was about to put my foot down, I noticed there was a bird that well, wasn’t flying away. So I hopped over it, narrowly avoiding a large mess on my shoes. The two girls I was with and I looked down at the bird who was staring off into to space not moving.

Now this also happened to be parents weekend, and my folks were due any minute. Sure enough they pulled up moments later to see a bunch of us staring at this bird. Somehow, being the jackass I was, I pretended to care about this bird and agreed to go with one of them to bring it up to the animal hospital at my school with our new found "ride" (my parents).

One of the girls went back to her room, put on a pair of gloves and lifted the bird into a shoe box. The other girl came with my parents and I into the car and up to the hospital. The whole time the bird was not moving, not flying at all (which is a good thing since we probably would have crashed the car if it started flying around in there). We got to the hospital, took the shoe box out of the car, and as we were walking to the entrance…of course the bird decided to fly away. An hour of my life gone…over a stupid bird!

Vending Machines

Does anyone remember the days when you could buy something from a vending machine with the change in your pocket. Soda cans were 50 or 60 cents, M&M's were 50-75 cents, gum was 25-50 cents. Now, a pack of M&M's (single serving size, not even king size) goes for $1.00, and snack cakes go for $1.25. Cans of soda go for at least a dollar and soda bottles are $2 or $2.50. Heaven forbid something be a new aged snack such as a soy chip, because that means a bag of 8 chips will be $1.50. Gone are the days of the impulse pocket change buy when you pass by a vending machine at work, school or a highway rest stop. When you start inserting bills into machines, the expense feels very more real. Now I just put forth the extra effort to go to a cafeteria and buy the snack or drink there and save the extra 20 or 30 cents, or better yet, buy them at a food store and bring them in to save even more. At least then I have more of a choice, and I also save a lot more change that I can cash in at a bank.

Monday Morning Blogging 11/2/09

This past weekend I was feeling very productive. My fiance went out shopping and taking care of errands which allowed me the afternoon to myself to keep myself busy. Since I was all motivated, I went to the gym for a stellar two hour workout. I decided that since I worked my ass off I would go relax in the steam room and take a shower after. As I was about to open the steam room, I was surprised to see...well just see. There was no steam, the lights were bright, and no one was in it. Then I noticed a sign. "THE STEAM ROOM IS CLOSED DUE TO INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR." I immediately jumped back several feet, completed skeeved out, and ran into the shower. When I had time to settle down and get dressed, I thought how sad it was. These guys are so deep in the closet, they have to desecrate my gym's steam room. Needless to say, I do not think I will be going in for any more steams...I don't mind not getting a happy ending at the end of my workout.

I went back to the gym for some cardio on Sunday. On my way, I noticed someone was watering the sidewalk. It rained all night long. The surrounding sidewalks were all clean. It was the equivalent of the automatic sprinklers that go on despite the fact that it may have rained several days in a row. What a waste of water.

After my workouts I enjoy Muscle Milk. It's a protein powder low in fat, and if you get the lean version, low in calories. It tastes pretty good, almost like you do not know you are drinking a protein shake. I am not sure how they do it. Too bad my blog isn't popular enough for me to get a sponsorship. I guess I can sponsor it:

Allergies

Did anyone wonder what the grand plan was for allergies? Earth is made, earth has pollen, ragweed, molds, spores, etc. Humans come into being. Half the humans are allergic to these things, causing histamines to go crazy making their eyes itchy and watery, noses sneeze uncontrollably, itching in throats, an are which cannot be scratched.

Now what is the point of all these? For three months a year some people have to be in agony as they are allergic to the earth. It's not like you can really escape it unless you’re in a desert or you take one of thos inaugural flights to the moon with Richard Branson. I’ve racked my brain trying to come up with the rationale of it. If you’re a creationist then there is only one response you can have…nice work buddy. From an evolutionary standpoint, when will being able to survive depend on who has allergies and who does not. Is there a war due in a highly pollenous region of the world?

Clearly the most logical answer after considering this, is that humans came here via spaceship. Makes sense really. Douglas Adams, your books had it right.